Many of us are taught, through our experiences in life that being “strong” is the way to avoid being hurt or taken advantage of in life. We pride ourselves in being self-sufficient, independent and self-reliant to such an extreme that we isolate ourselves from love, community and even our life dreams and missions.
I understand this phenomenon of being “strong”. Much of my life was been lived in this manner, because I hadn’t learned any other way to be. I was raised in a household with all women who felt deprived of a man’s love and sheltered from how they thought they should be loved. All of the complaining, bitching and moaning, saturated the receptive minds of the children who heard and remembered everything, even when they were not trying to listen. As we got older we made silent vows to not grow up to be this type of woman. We would never allow ourselves to be humiliated or denied our own needs at the whims of a man; or any other being for that matter. So we got “strong”.
We have gotten so “strong” that we can’t allow someone else to assist us with our heavy loads. We have gotten so ““strong”” that we don’t want to share our accomplishments, or our mission with anyone. We have gotten so “strong” that even when we are feeling weak, we think that to cry on someone’s shoulder makes us too vulnerable; so we hide out in our own depression hoping to feel better sometime soon.
Emotionally and spiritually we have fallen short on what it takes to grow ourselves to the level of maturity required to be family, community or just neighbors. Our fear of not being loved, not being wanted or not being good enough, snaps every thought we may have about connecting to another person as a source of support, or to uplift our spiritual and emotional well being. We are “strong”.
We have gotten so “strong”, that our access to vulnerability is completely none existent. We don’t have a clue about being vulnerable. As women, this is very obvious in how we create our lives and then expect our man and our children to fit into what we have created. The other option is to build together and see what shows up when every one is involved in the creation and building process.
Listen to yourself, “I am independent, I don’t need a man or anyone else doing anything for me.” And as true as that all is, there is very little joy present. Life is more vibrant when you are sharing it with people that love you even when you don’t love yourself. This is when you know that you truly are loved. You can be just who you are, in all your authentic glory and laziness without judgments, putdowns or ridicule.
Accessing vulnerability is challenging because it requires you to stay grounded in your own self-esteem. Being vulnerable isn’t about looking for praise or approval, it’s about having full expression of all that you are, as you grow and become the best version of you. It shows up something like this: your house is dirty and you still allow company in without making excuses about how it looks; you let your friends know that you have gas, so please forgive your flatulence; you make a choice to only wear makeup on special occasions. Do you see where this is going?
How real are you to yourself? How real are you with others? When you begin to observe your intentions without judging, you will gain access to a softness within yourself that is so pure and delightful you will look to remain there forever. This also requires each of us to have room for those around us to be who they are without us criticizing, critiquing, accessing and evaluating everything that they are doing.
My inner child loves to play, laugh, giggle, pout, cry, dance, sing, be held, be adored and be missed. I can’t say that I was allowed space as a child to explore these sides of myself and now I can. Being vulnerable allows me to enjoy the surrender. Someone else can fix it. Or it doesn’t have to get fixed right now. I don’t have to be perfect to love myself. I can discover myself in a different light every single moment and still be in awe of what’s new.
I started this blog with the conversation that there is a myth to being “strong”. The myth is, that being “strong” is how black women are supposed to be. The myth is, we are like this so that we can be the backbone of our families, our communities and our nations. The myth is, that if we sacrifice ourselves in this lifetime then we will be rewarded in heaven.
I invite you to a different perspective. You are the most important person in your life. “Self preservation is the FIRST LAW of nature.” You do not kill yourself in order that someone else may live. You access your vulnerability and form partnerships, create teams, ask for help, allow support, or just say “no”.
It wasn’t until I was 35 yrs old that I realized being “strong” could be a weakness, just as being vulnerable can be strength. This very insight allows me the freedom to be in life fully available and not having to pretend anything. Am I capable? I am extremely capable. And yet, sometimes I choose to allow others to demonstrate how they are just as capable as I am.
When we operate at this level we don’t get sick. We don’t stress ourselves. People love being around us because our love flows joyously, even when we are creating humungous projects and opportunities. If you want to check out if you are caught up in the myth of being strong, see if you allow others in your life to support you. The only true entity to be responsible for is the lightness of your own heart. Let go my people and let God! True strength knows how to surrender. Be wise.
Mu Shemsu-t
June 27, 2009
www.mushemsut.com
